just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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