I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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