She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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