It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
