Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
as a side note pls kill me
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