Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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