I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
