Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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