I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
