Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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