It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
