i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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