Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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