cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
