The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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