Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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