If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize