theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize