I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
