Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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