Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
