The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize