He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
