She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
