So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
