The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
