watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
