There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
