So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
