it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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