i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize