I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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