She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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