just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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