He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
