awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Drake has all the answers
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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