its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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