i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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