you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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