So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
