I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
