I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
