I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
