I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize