it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
