I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
