Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
