i love accidental penises.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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