WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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