There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize