she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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