i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
