I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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