after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
