My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
