i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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