Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
