..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
