we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
