awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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