I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
