I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
