I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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