You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
