peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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